Sunday, May 30, 2010
Friday, April 23, 2010
Ways to avoid your boss.
Since it is Friday and nobody wants to do any real work I figured I would post the following tips that should allow you to draw the least amount of attention to yourself and do as little work as possible. Enjoy
- Do your Work- This is possibly the most important and easiest way to have your boss avoid you. If you start slacking off and don’t finish your work or complete your tasks, your boss will be breathing down your neck and you’ll always be on his mind.
- Have a look out (prairie-dog) – this is one of the most underrated and effective ways to know if your boss is coming. If your office is in prime location to be the prairie-dog then great. If not, you must have someone you can trust to be a good lookout. A good prairie-dog can save you from getting caught surfing the internet, playing office games, or sleeping. Never underestimate the value of a good look out.
- Always carry around a pad of paper and pen – I learned this trick from a boss I had. He used this method when he was working with another company to avoid being given busy work. If you are walking to the break room or to a friend’s office you should always carry a pen and pad of paper. This will make you look like you are busy or working on something, even if you are walking around aimlessly just to waste time. If you are caught walking around wasting time without a pen and pad of paper you look like you have nothing to do and will most likely be asked to do a worthless task.
- Leave a small insignificant task always undone so you technically have something to do if asked – how many times has your boss asked you what are you working on? Or, if you have any work to do? If you strategically leave small tasks undone, you will always have something to do, thus avoiding busy work being handed down to you.
- Strategically time your lunch – this is CRUCIAL for avoiding the boss. It is important that you wait for your boss to go to lunch before you do if you want to make it work. It may take a little while until you have an idea of when your boss goes to lunch and comes back from lunch. Once you have the timing figured out you are good to go. If you have an hour lunch break and your boss goes to lunch at 11am and comes back around 12pm, you need to leave at around 11:45am and come back at 12:45pm. This will decrease the overall time you will see your boss in a workday. If you want to get a little crazy, you can take your lunch at 11:15am and not come back until 12:45pm. You boss will assume you left right before noon because he was gone and you in turn get a longer lunch and less time with your boss.
- Save the drama– don’t be the office gossip or the drama queen of the office. This will draw attention towards yourself thus increasing the time you will be on your boss’s mind and in the limelight.
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
Get me a beer woman!!!
Apparently today is Administrative Professional’s Day. Seeing as how I am just a dude working for the man, I have no secretary “aka” administrative assistant. This is a holiday that basically celebrates taking personal phone calls at all times of the day, gossiping behind people’s backs, and excessive internet surfing all during working hours. What's next National Telemarketers Appreciation Day? So, in the spirit of this holiday, and if I were important enough to have an secretary she would look like the picture to the right. Enjoy.
Excuse me...you have something on your nose.
Is there anything worse in the office than a brown noser? I am not talking about the person who does it once in a blue moon because they want to take off of work early that day. I am talking about a genuine brown noser who has their head stuck up their boss’s ass 24-7? I work with a legitimate brown noser and I would love nothing more than to bitch slap some sense into him. Does he not realize how ridiculous he looks sucking up to his boss? The guy basically follows his boss around like he is his pet, laughs at every joke or psuedo funny comment he makes, etc. It drives me (and I imagine every other self respecting human in the office insane). I just want to scream at him, HELLO….you are a fucking ADULT, not an eight year old who is sucking up to their parent so they can go have a sleep over at Jimmy’s house and watch rated R movies and eat Twinkies all night. Have some fucking self respect.
I guess if he has to suck up he is at least sucking up to the right person. Some advice I got earlier in my career that is pretty sound is as follows.
"If you are going to suck a dick, make sure you are sucking the right one". I guess at least this guy is sucking the right one.....
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
The guide to taking a dump at work
I received this e-mail from a co-worker earlier this week. Since I just had a rant recently about taking a dump and having someone constantly knocking on the door, I figured now would be as good of a time as ever to post. I am sure some of you have seen this before, but it never hurts to take a refresher course.
We've all been there but don't like to admit it.
We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brewing down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.
CROP DUSTING
When farting, you walk really fast around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff, but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.
FLY BY
The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.
ESCAPEE
A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.
JAILBREAK
When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.
COURTESY FLUSH
The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.
WALK OF SHAME
Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the useof the COURTESY FLUSH.
OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER
A colleague who poops at work and is Doggone proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.
THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N)
A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.
SAFE HAVENS
A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite s*x. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your s*x entering the bathroom.
TURD BURGLAR
Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
CAMO-COUGH
A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.
ASTAIRE
A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.
WATERMELON
A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
HAVANAOMELET
A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.
UNCLE TED
A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever...Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees
We've all been there but don't like to admit it.
We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brewing down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.
CROP DUSTING
When farting, you walk really fast around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff, but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.
FLY BY
The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.
ESCAPEE
A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.
JAILBREAK
When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.
COURTESY FLUSH
The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.
WALK OF SHAME
Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the useof the COURTESY FLUSH.
OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER
A colleague who poops at work and is Doggone proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.
THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N)
A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.
SAFE HAVENS
A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite s*x. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your s*x entering the bathroom.
TURD BURGLAR
Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
CAMO-COUGH
A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.
ASTAIRE
A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.
WATERMELON
A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
HAVANAOMELET
A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.
UNCLE TED
A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever...Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
